Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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