I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
