half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
