Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
