so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
