o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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