So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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