I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
