the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
