Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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