I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
