I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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