My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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