im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
