Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
