don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
