So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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