yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
