i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
