i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize