I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize