Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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