we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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