dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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