i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
