mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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