did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
