I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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