My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize