my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize