Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
