I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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