he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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