Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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