I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
