Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
