Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize