Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
