Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
