I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
