and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
