I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
