You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
