Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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