why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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