I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
