Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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