i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
