The police scanner is talking about you again....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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