My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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