kristin has been a bad kristin
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
