Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
