I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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