Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
