I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
