Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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