I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
