Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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