Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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