I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
