Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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