Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
