please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize