i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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