mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
