I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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