Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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