You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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