just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
