i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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