No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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