You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
