you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize