Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
