Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize