I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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